Cursed At Birth With Bad Judgement And Good Looks

I was going to preface this blog post by saying something minimizing like, oh this is just a free write – or I’m just rambling today – but then I said F that.

I sometimes wonder why I’m so timid and hell-bent on pleasing others. Where is my self-confidence I so proudly exclaim I posses? Growing up I was always a firecracker, the ‘mischievous one’ in my family, by far the most curious and lively child of five. My fire was constantly being trampled on by society, culture, and family. As a result, I didn’t realize how much I was worth and therefore fell prey to all sorts of people who took advantage of my naiveté and innocence. Men AND women, but mostly men.

Cursed at birth with bad judgement and good looks*, there was bound to be trouble.

The crazy part is that our patriarchal society made me feel like I was to blame for all of the trauma I’ve suffered. I actually believed it too. A long time ago I stopped being my true self and started living life as if I wasn’t in control. I floated along for years, ignoring the signs, ignoring my own intuition. Numbing my pain. That is not to say that I didn’t have moments of clarity, or that I was completely powerless all of these years, but it clearly wasn’t enough.

I was constantly looking for outside validation to tell me I’m smart enough, pretty enough, worthy enough. But how was I supposed to get that from the same culture that tells me my skin isn’t light enough, my thigh-gap isn’t wide enough, and my intellect isn’t worth as much?

Time’s up on all that. Having a daughter snapped me back to where I need to be. Since I obviously didn’t have enough self-love, my love for her is the necessary push I need. Bless her for that! I’m looking at everything in a new light. The world will have you thinking that the oppressors are the oppressed and that down is up if you don’t question it. I once saw a woman with a t-shirt that resonated with me – it read ‘Don’t Believe Everything That You Think’. How often do we question why it is we think a certain way? I mean really honestly question ourselves and the narratives we were raised to believe?

I want my daughter to grow up in full control and power of her mind and her body. I want her to be free and wild and all of the beautiful things we are as women. That she can grow up to be both sexy and pure, beautiful and smart as hell, powerful and feminine. I want my son to grow up to appreciate women and to also be in touch his own true nature. Anyone who knows a man, or has a son, knows boys are just as sensitive as girls, if not even more. It is unfair to men to have to play in to the whole gender role lie too. I also want to appreciate myself, my own light and my own gifts, so I can share them with my husband, and the world. I want all women to realize this about themselves, and take back their power too.

I’m on a journey to reclaim my power. This is my manifesto of sorts. I don’t know where this will take me, but I’m sure it will be fun. Join me?

* quoted that line from Camille Urso

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  • In case you guys have been wondering what’s going on with me, I’m sharing it all today on the Of Woman Nature podcast! (Available wherever you get podcasts) Talking about my plans for 2019, my journey to living a more conscious lifestyle, and discussing why I quit Fashion blogging. I love listening to podcasts because I feel like I get to know people on such a deeper level - and so I’m honored that @thedemureist gave me the opportunity to share my story. Please take a listen! Image is from the sublime @sarahraskeyfineart studio ❤️
  • Finally got my swab kit from @bethematch! In case you haven’t seen any of my previous Insta stories about Liyna, she is an amazing person who, at only 29, was diagnosed with an aggressive form of Leukemia. She needs a stem cell donor immediately and has not matched with anyone in her family, nor anyone of the 19 million people in the registry database. It is much more likely to match with someone of your own ethnicity, and South Asians make up only 2% of the donor registry. Swipe ➡️ to see how simple it is to register to potentially SAVE A LIFE! To order your swab kit, text SWABFORLIYNA to 61474 or go to be the match.org/swabforliyna  Let’s all do this! thank you guys! 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾 #teamliyna #swabforliyna
  • Meant to post this sooner but I was too busy ‘weekending’ whoops! (sorry not sorry 🙈)To make Monday a little sweeter, @shopkynah is offering a special for you guys - use my code Zahra10 for 10% off your order! I just LOVE their vibe and their commitment to sustainable fashion.  #styleinspo #indianfashion #pakistanstreetstyle
  • This morning on @thejamtvshow ~ we discuss mom stuff like - should you discipline other people’s kids? And should parents have a dress code? in regards to a Tennessee law proposed to enforce a dress code for parents dropping off their kids (because apparently they were too scantily clad) watch the full segment by clicking the link in my profile - Also why do we look like grown up teletubbies? 🌈
  • Stay cozy friends 💕 some words that have been inspiring me lately (particularly interesting for the soul searchers like me out there): “If there is nothing new under the sun, at least the sun itself is always new, always re-creating itself out of its own inexhaustible fire.” Michael Sims, Apollo’s Fire
  • Who else agrees that when it comes to fashion - South Asia has the rest of the world beat?? I mean...I’m obviously biased 😜 For my first collaboration of 2019, I want to introduce you all to @shopkynah. Kynah means ‘woman leader’ - check them out for gorgeous sustainable desi clothes made to order. See a little behind the scenes of this shoot in my stories - we couldn’t do my initial vision because it was raining outside (and cold AF) today - so I got creative and had some fun finding things around the house - do you think I did this outfit justice?! I mean, sometimes you gotta work with what you got! #sundayfunday #desiclothes #kynah
  • Here’s the thing. I used to hella *envy* the stay at home moms - for Adam’s first 4 years of life I worked full-time and found it very frustrating- I was stuck in a cubicle (away from my baby from 7am-6pm) I would come home exhausted and get dinner going and have very little time to spend with him before he went to bed - and one day I just thought - what the hell am I doing? I finally quit my job - after realizing we could cut out a lot of stuff (mostly my shopping) and live without my income. But I  quickly realized the other side is just as difficult, if not more. Babies don’t allow for a water cooler break, smoke break - or even a bathroom break if we’re being real. Sometimes I find myself wishing I had time to do all of the stuff that I want to do in life (as if my kids are the ones keeping me from being the next Oprah) but I realize that kids are only kids for a short time, and I’m going to be old for (hopefully) a long time - so I should really just relish this time ❤️ here’s a pic of me makeup free to shake up our ultra filtered IG world! #nofilter #momsofinstagram #wordsofwisdom #tgif
  • Staying warm inside by playing around with acrylics today - inspired by @barij and her beautiful floral art 🌸 (I obviously don’t know how to paint - don’t judge haha) also listening to a beautiful audiobook about Nur Jehan (by Ruby Lal) In the kitchen so the kids wouldn’t realize what I’m doing and want to join in but alas I can’t get away with anything - swipe to see what happened when I gave Sophia some markers and paper and snacks to keep her busy 😂 see my painting progress on stories... #snowday #momswithcameras #artsy
  • I’ve been slacking this year! To be long-winded but very honest... I have been feeling a little uninspired, maybe I would call it burnout, about my blog and my place in this ever growing world of ‘influence’. When I started style blogging wayyy back in 2012 I wanted to see people who looked like me in fashion and media - and I also wanted to write and share my personal experiences - at the time there was only ONE brown girl blogger I knew of - @asmaqp - she was literally the only ONE! There were a few beauty YouTubers but that was it. but just let that fact sink in for a minute...yeah so
Im SO grateful the space is way more diverse now and I’ve always encouraged every poc friend I had to start a blog too. I guess I am questioning my end goal in all of this...sometimes I cringe at the crap I see on IG (promoting materialism, blind consumerism, unrealistic body and beauty standards) and that itself makes me want to either quit completely OR create content to combat it. And sometimes creating content for the sake of creating content  and making every lunch, dinner, vacation, into a photo shoot can be such a BORE and I just want to go back to when I could live life without making it look cute - because real life is NOT that cute. The thing that keeps me here is wanting to be creative and get better at photography and also connect with people - I LOVE when someone follows me and sends a legit message to me - because then I know they aren’t just a bot that will unfollow me in a few weeks but a real freaking PERSON. I’ve made countless real friends here and I’ve seen real world disruption for the better start here and I’m sort of still a dreamer at heart so I hope I can create something worthwhile. If you are still reading you are a superstar in my mind - and I guess this conversation will be continued as I discover more! ❤️ (pic is one of the shots that didn’t make the cut from my collab with @vasanticosmetics )

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