Cursed At Birth With Bad Judgement And Good Looks

I was going to preface this blog post by saying something minimizing like, oh this is just a free write – or I’m just rambling today – but then I said F that.

I sometimes wonder why I’m so timid and hell-bent on pleasing others. Where is my self-confidence I so proudly exclaim I posses? Growing up I was always a firecracker, the ‘mischievous one’ in my family, by far the most curious and lively child of five. My fire was constantly being trampled on by society, culture, and family. As a result, I didn’t realize how much I was worth and therefore fell prey to all sorts of people who took advantage of my naiveté and innocence. Men AND women, but mostly men.

Cursed at birth with bad judgement and good looks*, there was bound to be trouble.

The crazy part is that our patriarchal society made me feel like I was to blame for all of the trauma I’ve suffered. I actually believed it too. A long time ago I stopped being my true self and started living life as if I wasn’t in control. I floated along for years, ignoring the signs, ignoring my own intuition. Numbing my pain. That is not to say that I didn’t have moments of clarity, or that I was completely powerless all of these years, but it clearly wasn’t enough.

I was constantly looking for outside validation to tell me I’m smart enough, pretty enough, worthy enough. But how was I supposed to get that from the same culture that tells me my skin isn’t light enough, my thigh-gap isn’t wide enough, and my intellect isn’t worth as much?

Time’s up on all that. Having a daughter snapped me back to where I need to be. Since I obviously didn’t have enough self-love, my love for her is the necessary push I need. Bless her for that! I’m looking at everything in a new light. The world will have you thinking that the oppressors are the oppressed and that down is up if you don’t question it. I once saw a woman with a t-shirt that resonated with me – it read ‘Don’t Believe Everything That You Think’. How often do we question why it is we think a certain way? I mean really honestly question ourselves and the narratives we were raised to believe?

I want my daughter to grow up in full control and power of her mind and her body. I want her to be free and wild and all of the beautiful things we are as women. That she can grow up to be both sexy and pure, beautiful and smart as hell, powerful and feminine. I want my son to grow up to appreciate women and to also be in touch his own true nature. Anyone who knows a man, or has a son, knows boys are just as sensitive as girls, if not even more. It is unfair to men to have to play in to the whole gender role lie too. I also want to appreciate myself, my own light and my own gifts, so I can share them with my husband, and the world. I want all women to realize this about themselves, and take back their power too.

I’m on a journey to reclaim my power. This is my manifesto of sorts. I don’t know where this will take me, but I’m sure it will be fun. Join me?

* quoted that line from Camille Urso

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Last week we took a quick trip to escape the snow for some sunshine in Key Largo, Florida☀️ We spent every moment possible outside, Tom and Adam got their Scuba Diver PADI certification (yay!) while Sophia and I spent our days either swimming or drawing marine life and landscapes. This was my first trip after my sister passed last November, and even though I look so happy here, there were so many moments I felt the grief and sadness, as if it happened just yesterday. I am still figuring out how I want to show up in this space, as I have changed so much as a person since the loss. I just don’t feel called to post some of the things I shared before. Maybe that will change someday, or maybe it will just naturally evolve into something new. I think I will take this year to just process it all. (Even the idea of taking an entire year to think through something is a huge shift for my usually hyperactive type A personality) My focus at the moment is just living in the moment with my family and friends, spending time doing things that make me happy and healthy. I hope to share some of that journey here with you ~ thanks for following along ❤️
I had planned to shoot this outfit in collaboration with @lenacoutureofficial right before my dear sister passed away. Saba, the designer, was more than understanding if I didn’t want to anymore - but after thinking on it for a while I decided I wanted to - in my sister’s honor 💗 She was always my biggest hype woman. When i would feel like I’m not good enough or that I should quit (which was often) she would tell me I was unique and great and to keep it up. When I think of my sister, beauty and love is all that she embodied in her being. She expressed that on the outside also - as she loved to wear everything glam, bright & colorful, and full of bling. Hair done, nails done, everything did - that was Nusrat. For this shoot I took the time to get glam after a long hiatus - and makeup and hair took so long because I think I forgot how to do it, but afterwards I was surprised how I felt transformed. When I wore this gorgeous outfit that I know was designed with such love and incredible attention to detail by @lenacoutureofficial, I felt all of that beauty - like a walking piece of art, and very much at peace. Thank you so much to @divmophoto for capturing the feeling so well 💕
Ski weekend with my favorites ❄️❄️ So proud of Sophia for skiing on her own for the first time!
There are some trees with seeds that only grow after a fire. Their seeds are completely sealed with a resin that have to be physically melted off by a great fire in order to propagate. So to do we as humans, gain wisdom only after great pain and suffering.*
A month ago (and one day) I lost my sister and best friend to cancer. I am still completely gutted and broken. But, I’m also so so grateful to have had felt the love that now brings me so much heartbreak. ❤️ I am so inspired by her - and I will forever live my life to honor her memory. Miss you sis ❤️
Classic outfit combo: oversized blazer + denim 🖤fendi mules @shoeslutz
Just a mom who loves mums 🌸 🪴
Cozy for a coffee date ☕️
French. Toast. Egg. Bake. Save this recipe for a weekend or holiday brunch - it’s SO good and fool-proof! I’m not even a sweet person and I love it. The pecans are a non-negotiable IMO - I get honey bourbon vanilla pecans for this and it is just heavenly. Enjoy!