Notes…Whore or Housewife?

jjill-flare-sleeve The other day some guy called me a whore as a response to one of my YouTube videos in an attempt to hurt my feelings. However, I saw it as a sign of good tidings instead. I had actually just purchased my copy of Whorticulture and was anxiously awaiting its arrival. The books aim is ‘dismantling the toxic and oppressive behavior regularly imposed onto the lives of all women.’

To back up a little though – I had been feeling a bit lost lately, my identity as a mom, my career, my passions – everything that was once a sure thing began to get blurry in my mind. I thought back to my childhood and how I was always so opinionated, bold, and did not care at all what other people thought of me. I loved to shock people by doing things out of the ordinary, especially fighting cultural taboos that I felt were just plain stupid. I was adventurous and lived my life to the fullest. Girls would be called whores or ‘hoes’ for doing nothing wrong, except for challenging societies notions of a woman’s role. What confused me most is that men, in particular, would love the whores on websites like https://www.hdpornmovies.xxx/ but then slander women for ‘acting like whores’. It made no sense to me. But I actually didn’t care if people thought I was a hoe – I was living my best life while they just talked about me.

So I asked myself – when did I go from the carefree ‘hoe’ to this self-conscious, timid housewife?

So I read some books, meditated, prayed, and just searched for guidance for myself. Of course getting older, having children, adulting – can and does change you somewhat. But there is something I missed about the old me and I couldn’t figure it out. Then I read an article about how trauma can affect your personality, and it was like a lightbulb went off in my head and I can almost exactly pin point that moment. It was when I came out of my coma from my snowmobile accident in 2009. Nothing was the same ever since then. I didn’t know it but I was going into a new phase of life where I didn’t have the confidence I once had, and I questioned my purpose in life and even broke up with Tom to ‘find myself’. I guess I just needed time to heal and feel safe again.

I decided that right now, things in my life are going exactly as they should. I know I’m not alone, God has my back because my intentions are pure. I now feel a sense of calm and that ignited that old hoe fire in me again. So guys…I’m now on a journey to bring back that ‘hoe’ I once was, in the very best sense of the word, of course. (Many thanks to the YouTube troll with the fake account for this revelation!)

briggs-zahra monica-vinader-jjill-blouseTop: Thanks to J.Jill |Shoes: Sigerson Morrison | Denim: Zara (old) | Necklace: Monica Vinader

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Last week we took a quick trip to escape the snow for some sunshine in Key Largo, Florida☀️ We spent every moment possible outside, Tom and Adam got their Scuba Diver PADI certification (yay!) while Sophia and I spent our days either swimming or drawing marine life and landscapes. This was my first trip after my sister passed last November, and even though I look so happy here, there were so many moments I felt the grief and sadness, as if it happened just yesterday. I am still figuring out how I want to show up in this space, as I have changed so much as a person since the loss. I just don’t feel called to post some of the things I shared before. Maybe that will change someday, or maybe it will just naturally evolve into something new. I think I will take this year to just process it all. (Even the idea of taking an entire year to think through something is a huge shift for my usually hyperactive type A personality) My focus at the moment is just living in the moment with my family and friends, spending time doing things that make me happy and healthy. I hope to share some of that journey here with you ~ thanks for following along ❤️
I had planned to shoot this outfit in collaboration with @lenacoutureofficial right before my dear sister passed away. Saba, the designer, was more than understanding if I didn’t want to anymore - but after thinking on it for a while I decided I wanted to - in my sister’s honor 💗 She was always my biggest hype woman. When i would feel like I’m not good enough or that I should quit (which was often) she would tell me I was unique and great and to keep it up. When I think of my sister, beauty and love is all that she embodied in her being. She expressed that on the outside also - as she loved to wear everything glam, bright & colorful, and full of bling. Hair done, nails done, everything did - that was Nusrat. For this shoot I took the time to get glam after a long hiatus - and makeup and hair took so long because I think I forgot how to do it, but afterwards I was surprised how I felt transformed. When I wore this gorgeous outfit that I know was designed with such love and incredible attention to detail by @lenacoutureofficial, I felt all of that beauty - like a walking piece of art, and very much at peace. Thank you so much to @divmophoto for capturing the feeling so well 💕
Ski weekend with my favorites ❄️❄️ So proud of Sophia for skiing on her own for the first time!
There are some trees with seeds that only grow after a fire. Their seeds are completely sealed with a resin that have to be physically melted off by a great fire in order to propagate. So to do we as humans, gain wisdom only after great pain and suffering.*
A month ago (and one day) I lost my sister and best friend to cancer. I am still completely gutted and broken. But, I’m also so so grateful to have had felt the love that now brings me so much heartbreak. ❤️ I am so inspired by her - and I will forever live my life to honor her memory. Miss you sis ❤️
Classic outfit combo: oversized blazer + denim 🖤fendi mules @shoeslutz
Just a mom who loves mums 🌸 🪴
Cozy for a coffee date ☕️
French. Toast. Egg. Bake. Save this recipe for a weekend or holiday brunch - it’s SO good and fool-proof! I’m not even a sweet person and I love it. The pecans are a non-negotiable IMO - I get honey bourbon vanilla pecans for this and it is just heavenly. Enjoy!