Cursed At Birth With Bad Judgement And Good Looks

I was going to preface this blog post by saying something minimizing like, oh this is just a free write – or I’m just rambling today – but then I said F that.

I sometimes wonder why I’m so timid and hell-bent on pleasing others. Where is my self-confidence I so proudly exclaim I posses? Growing up I was always a firecracker, the ‘mischievous one’ in my family, by far the most curious and lively child of five. My fire was constantly being trampled on by society, culture, and family. As a result, I didn’t realize how much I was worth and therefore fell prey to all sorts of people who took advantage of my naiveté and innocence. Men AND women, but mostly men.

Cursed at birth with bad judgement and good looks*, there was bound to be trouble.

The crazy part is that our patriarchal society made me feel like I was to blame for all of the trauma I’ve suffered. I actually believed it too. A long time ago I stopped being my true self and started living life as if I wasn’t in control. I floated along for years, ignoring the signs, ignoring my own intuition. Numbing my pain. That is not to say that I didn’t have moments of clarity, or that I was completely powerless all of these years, but it clearly wasn’t enough.

I was constantly looking for outside validation to tell me I’m smart enough, pretty enough, worthy enough. But how was I supposed to get that from the same culture that tells me my skin isn’t light enough, my thigh-gap isn’t wide enough, and my intellect isn’t worth as much?

Time’s up on all that. Having a daughter snapped me back to where I need to be. Since I obviously didn’t have enough self-love, my love for her is the necessary push I need. Bless her for that! I’m looking at everything in a new light. The world will have you thinking that the oppressors are the oppressed and that down is up if you don’t question it. I once saw a woman with a t-shirt that resonated with me – it read ‘Don’t Believe Everything That You Think’. How often do we question why it is we think a certain way? I mean really honestly question ourselves and the narratives we were raised to believe?

I want my daughter to grow up in full control and power of her mind and her body. I want her to be free and wild and all of the beautiful things we are as women. That she can grow up to be both sexy and pure, beautiful and smart as hell, powerful and feminine. I want my son to grow up to appreciate women and to also be in touch his own true nature. Anyone who knows a man, or has a son, knows boys are just as sensitive as girls, if not even more. It is unfair to men to have to play in to the whole gender role lie too. I also want to appreciate myself, my own light and my own gifts, so I can share them with my husband, and the world. I want all women to realize this about themselves, and take back their power too.

I’m on a journey to reclaim my power. This is my manifesto of sorts. I don’t know where this will take me, but I’m sure it will be fun. Join me?

* quoted that line from Camille Urso

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How To Stop Being A Crusty A$$ B

Today I thought I’d tackle a topic that is an issue I often struggle with, how not to become one crusty bitter a$$ B. Side note: I’ve censored myself so long after having kids, I can’t even type the full B-word anymore, ha!

If you find yourself pessimistic, anti-social, or being so sarcastic to the point where you are bitter and unhappy with your life, this one’s for you.

There are so many reasons why people become what I’m calling a crusty a$$ B. One only has to think about all of the injustice around the world, and in our own daily lives to instantly feel overwhelmed. Scrolling Instagram feeds full of beautiful people with perfect lives and bodies can induce all sorts of eye-rolls, sneers, and subsequent self-loathing. Add to that the high-expectations we often set for ourselves, which can do major mental health damage to us if we don’t achieve them. It takes a LOT of conscious effort and constant practice to not be a crusty bitter B.

It occurred to me, after I had a series of bouts of sadness, depression, and issues with my own self-confidence, to ask my good friend for advice. She is not only successful and beautiful, but she has always had the self-assured vibe. I asked her to what does she attribute her great confidence and success. Shockingly, she said that she struggled with self-esteem and confidence issues herself, and she always looked up to me!

I learned three lessons that day from my BFF that really helped me get out of this nasty slump of my own causing, my own bitter crustification:

Dont Underestimate Yourself.

 I thought she was perfect, and she was sitting there thinking the same of me. After looking at my own Instagram feed, I realized that there were probably people out there annoyed at me for the same reasons I was annoyed with them. Now we were all stuck in this sick cycle, on our way to becoming crusty. That subconscious negative dialogue can be a dangerous thing. I had to change my internal narrative and see myself in a positive light. I actually had to make an effort to think about positive things to say about myself, and then say them out loud to myself. I reminded myself of all of the things I had to be grateful for. It felt corny to do this exercise at first, but trust me, it worked.

Have something to believe in.

Whether that is your religion or another bigger purpose in life. Focus on the idea that you are alive for a reason, that you are a small part of a bigger picture. Trusting the process is another way to look at this one.

Work hard.

In my case, at one point I was comparing my post-baby body to some of the fit girls in my feed, but Instead of getting motivated to actually work out, I’d think ‘whats the point?’ and just be mad and stay on the couch eating crap. Now I know that in order to avoid becoming crusty and bitter, I have to physically work at changing the things I want to change. For me that means forcing myself to go to the gym like its not an option, forcing myself to put a little makeup on and do my hair daily because I know it makes me feel good, and carving out time for things I love to do like writing and reading. There’s no way around it (in my Rupaul voice) you better WORK!

You are alive anyway, so you might as well start really living. Here’s to avoiding becoming one bitter and crusty a$$ B!

Thanks for visiting as always.

xx Z
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Thoughts On Creating Change…

Thoughts on change. We live in a world that is getting smaller by the second. Thanks to technology, things that were once swept under the rug are now being live streamed to the public. Movements like Black Lives Matter, Me Too, Body Positive, LGBTQ rights are finally getting some traction, though much more is needed. Privilege is finally being checked. Big corporations are even getting in on the game – like Unilever threatening to pull ads from Facebook and Google if they don’t step up in terms of banning hate speech, fake news, and other things that could be harmful to children. The world might actually become a better place to live in for our children. Despite all the noise, you can’t deny this is really an exciting time to be alive. Progress is sometimes painstakingly slow, but if you aren’t working towards it, you are holding everyone back. No matter how insignificant you think you may be. You can start right now if you want – ready, set, go!

In my own lifetime I’ve witnessed a society that once rolled their eyes at the idea of recycling, or even eating organic foods, joked about the impossibility of having a black President, and more recently, scoffed at the impossibility of having a Trump as President. If all of that change doesn’t make one hopeful that ANYTHING is possible, I don’t know what else will!

This jacket by Veda x Reformation is a beautiful reminder that we can all do better to love our mother Earth. I’m a mother lover, are you??

P.S. Can you spot the photo bomber? 🙂
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